I cheated a little bit and lined these cryptids up based on the type of monster they were. I’ll explain as we get to the matchups.
First up, we have the Tatzelwurm vs. the Jersey Devil. The Jersey Devil definitely has the cooler backstory as being the 13th (and unwanted) son of a New Jersey couple that was sold off to the devil. A two legged, hooved monster with a sheep-like head and large wings? Yes, please. The Tatzelwurm is a lizard-like creature, 2-5 feet in lengths with a cat-like had and a wide gaping mouth. Unfortunately, the devil helps out here and the Jersey Devil moves on.
Next up we have one of the cheat match-ups. It’s the Yowie vs. the Mapinguari – both Bigfoot like creatures. The Yowie is tall, stocky, covered in fur and the Mapinguari is around 8 feet tall with scales on its back making it bulletproof and A SECOND MOUTH IN THE CENTER OF ITS STOMACH OMG. Mapinguari wins.
The third matchup pits the Grootslang (great snake) against Olgoi-Khorkhoi (large intenstine worm). Sounds like a no brainer, right? What if I told you the OK is also known as the Mongolian death worm…? What if I told you it’s body is coated with toxic slime that kills anyone on contact? NOT SO FAST (cue Lee Corso), the Grootslang has the head of an elephant and the back of a snake. Can it hold it’s body up? Hm….I’m going earthworm, OK for the win.
The last first round matchup is Shuck and Momo – sounds like an old WCW Tag Team. Momo is similar to Bigfoot (again) but the Shuck is a mysterious black dog that can turn things into fire and just kill people. I’m taking Shuck in this one.
The semis on my side are tough matchups. The Jersey Devil vs. Mapinguari. The devil tries to interfere again; however, the SECOND STOMACH EATS HIM. Mapinguari wins. The Olgoi-Khorkhoi vs. Shuck is an interesting matchup. On paper, Shuck can throw the little (giant) worm around – but what about that toxic slime? The death worm dives deep into the sand and then jumps back up, taking Shuck by surprise. A winner for the earthworm!
The finals are set. Olgoi-Khorkhoi vs. Mapinguari. (the two hardest to pronounce – you’re welcome) It’s a tough battle. The Mapinguari has long sharp claws that can cancel out the poisonous slime. BUT WAIT – the Olgoi-Khorkhoi can spit venom and acid from its mouth, temporarily blinding the Mapinguari. It rears on it’s hind legs and lets out a stench so bad, skunks would be jealous. The abundance of water, saliva, and poison proves to be too much water for the old earthworm, though, as the Olgoi-Khorkoi becomes oversaturated and bursts. Off to the Cryptid Finals for Mapinguari.
In our latest episode, we talked about Donald Glover hosting Saturday Night Live and the overwhelmingly positive reaction for his skits (extra props for A Kanye Place). But this conversation turned into our favorite skits and my all time favorite SNL Skit was Celebrity Jeopardy; that is, until I saw Black Jeopardy. The original SNL Celebrity Jeopardy was hosted by Will Ferrel as Alex Trebek. Black Jeopardy is hosting by Kenan Thompson (yes from Kenan and Kel) as Darnell Hayes (or Alex Treblack).
In the original Celebrity Jeopardy, Sean Connery always misreads the titles and hates on Alex, mistakenly saying "who reads" as "whore ads" and "the pen is mightier" as "the penis mightier." But nothing beats Kenan in his role as the host of Black Jeopardy. The entire skit is hilarious as it takes such a lax view in today's up tight world. It's refreshing and new.
The best episode includes Tom Hanks (YouTube link below) and has categories such as "Big Girls," "You Better," "Mmm...I don't," and as always "White People." Thompson makes the show as the host replying to correct answers with "You damn right!" and his slow growth of love for Tom Hanks during this episode. Other categories on episodes feature "Aw Hell Naw," "Fid'na," and "Bye, Felicia."
Check out the episode below and let us know your favorite SNL sketches.
It's the first time the group has gotten to play golf together and we chose the windiest day in the history of the United States. With gusts of up to (seemingly) 75 mph, it was an interesting day on the links. The Meadow and Prairie were the two courses of choice. There is a reason we play with handicaps and after applying handicaps, the three regulars (Aaron, Adam, and Luke) were within 4 shots of one another. A couple shots could have swayed this thing one way or another. With that being said, Adam took honors with a net 72. Luke had a net 74 and Aaron had a net 76 (real scores 94, 100, and 91 respectively). So could Luke break the curse of 100? No. Is Aaron still the best golfer we have? Somehow yes. Did Adam break any clubs? Not that I saw. Here's how the round went:
The Meadow was untraditionally played first to avoid any conflicts if the course got busier later. No one used driver and only Aaron hit the fairway. The round was underway. The first 9 was particularly unkind to Luke. He averaged 5.5 on par 3s, 5.8 on par 4s, and a dastardly 8.0 on par 5s, including a 9. Only 15 putts, but that shows how bad the rest of the round was. One par, 5 double bogeys, 2 triples, and that 9 we discussed earlier. It wasn't pretty. Adam played the par 3s at 4.5, par 4s at 5.4 and par 5s fairly well at only a half stroke over par - 5.5. His 18 putts left a little to be desired as he had one 3 putt and one 1 putt. He hit 4 fairways (out of 7) and was doing well off the tee. His front 9 47 consisted of only one triple bogey, 1 par, 6 bogeys, and 1 double. Aaron led the field on the Meadow with a 46; however, had 19 putts that he'd love to get better control of. Two 3 putts hurt him on the Meadow side as well as one quadruple bogey. He, too, was only a half stroke over par on the par 5s, scored a bogey average 4.0 on par 3s and was a lat 5.4 on par 4s. As is normal, Aaron had 4 FIRs and 2 GIRs. He had 3 pars, 4 bogeys, one double, and the "other" we touched on. Aaron took the lead into the Prairie.
One the Prairie, the group was joined by Joey Dwenger who only seemed to calm Luke down. On the back, Luke calmed his score down and averaged 3.5 on the par 3s, 5.2 on the par 4s, and 6.0 on the par 5s (only one on the back). He did have 17 putts and left a couple strokes out there, but overall scored much, much better - carding a round best 44 on the back. The only downside? When you start with a 56, it's tough to break 100 and Luke cannot get over the curse. 2 pars, 5 bogeys, 2 doubles to play bogey golf and show glimpses of the Luke that could be a force in the TBPYNH Golf League. Adam tightened up the putter on the back 9 only putting 14 times, but everything else seemed to go out of whack. He did average a bogey on the par 4s (6 of them), but averaged a double on the par 3s and doubled the only par 5. He putted only once on both par 3s. He had 2 pars, 4 bogeys, 2 doubles, and one other - a difficult 7 on the par 3 over the water when he hit two into the hazard. The wind was atrocious (with video proof). Aaron again struggled with the putter, putting 18 times for a total of 37 on the round. He, very similar to Adam, averaged a 5 on par 3s, 5 on the par 4s, and scored a 7 on the only par 5. Per the usual, he hit 5 fairways, but only one green in regulation. 2 pars, 5 bogeys,12 doubles, and one triple bogey on the par 4 3rd into the wind with the flag up top. A hole where the tee shots were comical at a minimum. You could see the balls coming backwards in the wind.
Overall, Aaron and Adam each collected two skins and Luke had one on the back with a par. No birdies were carded during the round, thanks in part to the windy conditions but there was a lot of fun to be had. The group is yet to put together a phenomenal round while playing together, but that didn't make it any less enjoyable. Until next time, get your clubs cleaned off and be ready to join us for some fun golf courses in the near future. More updates to come.
Stuck in the rut when you're golfing and can't get over the hump? No worries - The Tres Bogetos will come save the day! The Tres Bogetos, better known as Dude, Where's My Par, is the golf league consisting of Alex Pulskamp, Kevin Koehne, and myself, Luke Mauer. We are a bundle of fun with fireball, beer, vodka, oh, and a little golf. But what's a guy supposed to do when his two teammates bail? That was the situation this week at golf league. I was left stranded as Kevin went to watch the 0-37 Reds and Alex went to Chicago for who knows what. "Work" he says. I had to call in a sub...a friend...the co-host to The Best Podcast You've Never Heard. That's right. Luke and Adam - but this time, on a team - like no other time in the history. How would we do?
We headed out a little early to try to play a hole - it was a disaster. Adam didn't know he was required to get a 6 pack so I could steal his ice for my mix drink. We were off to a slow start. We went to play a couple holes and end up right where we needed to be - but they were all booked. People flying around everywhere trying to get that practice in before the round. So we settled for hole number 5. On the Meadow. (yes, the same Meadow I shot a 56 on just 5 days earlier). It's the par 3, over the creek, green on a cliff that's falling desperately down. I hit a tee shot to never be found and Adam's landed just short of the creek. It was a bad start. We putted around a bit on the green and then Adam wanted to try his 3 wood (as teeing off with his 5 iron was hurting the ego). We each hit a couple shots and we were off to our first hole: Meadow 8.
I teed off first - confident, poised. We made a pact to never leave the other one stranded alone on a hole. I hit my drive - it went 15 yards. If the old guy we were playing against wasn't whistling - I could have done better. Adam got up with his 5 iron - hit a very good, but high shot into the wind. He still had 200+ left to the green. Some errant shots here and there (and everywhere) led us to open with a double bogey - both of us. The team we played against parred. We were in trouble early. But have no fear! The Tres Bogetos were here - and this was an all too familiar position for our team. I made a drink after my first tee shot and I was ready to do some work. My tee shot on the 9th hole was much better, posting the furthest drive in a group full of opponents using driver. I wound up parring the hole and we gained back a stroke. Hole #1 Another beauty of a drive by me left the ball only 30 yards from the green. Luckily for our opponents, my short game is as bad as....well my short game, and I wound up with a bogey. I was upset, defeated, and we gave back a stroke as the old man rammed one home. We were down 3 after 3 (and 3 over at that). Par 5. Those damn par 5s. I teed up and hit a good shot, but it clipped a tree, then another. I was in trouble. Adam's eyes twinkled as he said those 5 special words to me "Can I use my driver?" I said yes! *clapping* He teed up and hit a hell of a drive to the 200 yard marker. I fumbled around a bit but on Adam's second shot he hit a scorcher 200+ yards and it ran right up to the green. An eagle putt. I knew I was in good hands. He blew the eagle putt pretty badly but hit an impressive comeback putt for birdie. We gained one. Down 2, 2 over after 4. The next hole is where it all started to come together. We just birdied and we were going to go on a tear.
On a tear we did. We both had birdie putts on the 5th hole (Meadow 3) and both ended up parring. On the 6th hole (Meadow 4), I hit a long putt for birdie as we took a commanding lead. The 7th hole was that par 3 we practiced earlier. The result for me was the same - bad. But not Adam. He hit it short then chipped it over, made a nice putt and salvaged a bogey on a difficult par 3. The 8th hole was a struggle for me as well, but Adam blasted some shots and parred the Par 5 (going a combined 1 under on the 2 par 5s). It was down to our last hole. The par 3 (Meadow 7) into the woods. I grabbed my 5 iron, with a strong 6 stroke lead, and I gave it my all. A nice shot that bounced once and landed on the green. Something I very rarely do. A one putt would give us a birdie and a hell of a score. I hit the putt and it looked good. It looked great - but it wound up just a tad short for a gimme par. We shook hands, we destroyed the competition - winning by 7 strokes after being down 2 through the first hole. We finished 2 over, 38, killing our handicap for the rest of the season but having a damn good time doing it. The Tres Bogetos was a force to be reckoned with if only for one Wednesday night.
As Luke mentioned in his blog post our minds at TBPYNH have been churning ever since we were asked about the battle to the death with a Disney Princess, and since Luke wanted to assume it was a battle royal we decided to make it one. By this time you have already read about the princess battle, so now I am bringing you a tournament of Disney/Pixar characters that are not princesses. I will preface this with the rankings are random (Buzz would never be a 16) and with the bad rankings look for a magical Cinderella story! I also chose only one character from each movie, but did have to include sequels as there were not enough good options without doing so. The bracket is as follows:
1. Dory (Finding Dory)
16. Buzz Lightyear (Toy Story 3)
8. Sully (Monsters Inc.)
9. Wall-E (Wall-E)
5. Genie (Aladdan)
12. Mr. Incredible (the Incredibles 2)
4. Mater (Cars)
13. Nemo (Find Nemo)
6. Flik (Bugs Life)
11. Anger (Inside Out)
3. Woody (Toy Story 2)
14. Mike Wazowski (Monsters University)
7. Remy (Ratatouille)
10. Lightning McQueen (Cars 2)
2. Mr. Potato Head (Toy Story)
15. Frozone (The Incredibles)
Now that you have seen the rankings, I think you can all imagine how this is likely to play out with a higher seed taking the trophy.
First round and the upsets are already taking place. The 16 seed Buzz takes out Dory, who seemed to forget that she was there to fight. Sully turned Wall-E into a pile of nuts and bolts. Mater runs over Nemo to move on. Flik advances after Anger gave himself an aneurysm when he blew his top. Woody found a snake in his boot and got eliminated by Mike Wazowski while distracted. Lightning McQueen took out Remy since it was car vs mouse. Frozone turned Mr. Potato Head into shredded hashbrowns to move on. The battle of the giants was the 5 vs 12 battle of Genie vs Mr. Incredible, at the end of the day the strength of Mr. Incredible could not compete with the magic Genie possessed and Genie moved on.
After all of the upsets in round one we only see one big upset in round two which is Mike Wazowski over Flik, turned out that being a monster makes you more dominant than being a bug, who knew. Other round two battles, Genie used his magic to rust out Mater even more than he already was leading him to defeat. Sully takes down Buzz Lightyear due to Buzz not falling with enough style. Lastly, Lightning McQueen runs down Frozone leaving him in a cold pile.
The Semi’s bring another battle of the giants in Sully vs Genie, Genie thus far has used his magic to blow through people and this round is no different using his magic to turn Sully into a new magic carpet for Aladdan to fly around on. The second semifinal matchup has Lightning McQueen once again using his horsepower to overtake an opponent. Just like that, we lose both the Monsters Inc characters in the same round.
The finals, a 5 seeded Genie vs a 10 seeded Lightning McQueen, like I mentioned before, the rankings have it set up for a low seed to take the title. Unfortunately, for the Cars fans out there this finals matchup is not even close, turns out a magic Genie in this competition is a bit unfair as he puts the blinders on the “ka chow” and eliminates Lightning McQueen to claim the title of Disney/Pixar Character Champion.